Day 124: Stuffed full again

Why do I do this to myself?

Was just reading a bit on the 3 minute therapy site and I have decided to blog on the disadvantages of eating chocolate and lollies:

1. It rots my teeth
2. No matter how much I eat I can't seem to be satisfied
3. It keeps me overweight
4. It makes me feel depressed afterwards
5. It plays havoc on my skin
6. Processed food/sugar/fat is linked to bowel/other cancers, heart disease, and diabetes. I don't want to leave my babies motherless.
7. It gives me mood swings
8. It costs money that could be spent on other things
9. It means that I can't fit the clothes that I want to wear
10. It stops me choosing other healthier food

Day 120: No lollies today

Wow - minor miracle today. Did not eat lollies or chocolate!!!! Amazing.... OK so my diet wasn't exactly a healthy whole food balanced thing, but at least this is progress.

And I rode the 7km each way to and from work today.... it isn't going to be much fun as it gets hotter!!! But quite nice to ride home past the beach. Better than being stuck in Auckland traffic (or Tauranga traffic for that matter!!)

Day 119: Cancer!

Sorry - don't mean to scare you with that title, but the topic of bowel cancer came up at work today, within the context of "low fibre processed foods = higher risk". That scared me - although I eat ok in terms of some fruit and veges etc, I do eat a lot of rubbish processed foods!!!

Day 118: Sugar sugar sugar

Can't get enough of that sugar hit!!

Day 117: sun shiny day

The sun was shining today which always helps my mood. Just realised it has been 4 days since I did any real exercise and I miss it! Must go for a run in the morning (although I have to bike to work too).

Didn't do a great job of eating today - too lazy.

step by step

Day 117: Don't know what to say

.....

Day 116: More thinking

After posting last night, I ended up eating quite a bit of junk.... don't know why.

I am still in the right head space today - still a bit unwell so was at home again, and did some more reading of Fear of food book.

My evenings are obviously the worst times for that automatic eating. I don't know whether to tackle them first, or work on other times first and tackle the hard bit last....???

Day 115: Feel refreshed

I was feeling a bit sick today, so I ended up taking the day off, and doing a bit of sleeping, reading and contemplating.

I've picked up a book that I read years ago when I was in the UK, called "Fear of Food" it is a non-diet book and has some good stuff in it.

Some quotes that rang a bell with me:
"Compulsive eating and weight difficulties are linked with a diversityof emotional and psychological states as well as geneticpredisposition, learned behaviours about food and eating and theactual physical aspects of metabolism and the type of food eaten. Evenself knowledge is not the answer. You have been collecting everythingyou need to know for years, but knowing "why" doesn't change anythingeither. You need to take that self understanding and create anemotional/physical change. You need to integrate the mind and thebody. This is a whole body process. You need to work with your body asa friend and not as some problem that keeps hanging around."

"You can alter your eating behaviour in a variety of ways, but if younever address the reason that it got out of balance to begin with, youare doomed to fall back into the trap. You need to look at your wholelife, not just your eating or your body. Instead of asking yourself'How do I stop being out of control with food?', ask yourself, 'Whatis it that I want from food?' We treat our bodies like problems, as if they were an enemy followingus around. We actas if we are not part of our bodies and often livefrom the neck up. We imagine that everything can be accomplishedthrough the mind. We avoid looking at our bodies or feeling them to bepart of us in any positive way."

"I know many overweight and eating-disordered people who only consult a mirror to put on their makeup or style their hair. They think thatif they ignore their body, somehow they don't have to worry about it.They think that ignoring it will lesson their emotional turmoil. In this way, we are constantly fighting against ourselves. How can youexpect your body to co-operate if you hate it"

"But our real problem is with low self esteem and dissociation"

"you need to accept your body as part of yourself and see that it istrying to tell you something by being overweight"

"Most overeating is done unconsciously. We don't pay attention to whatwe are doing because it's just too painful. We are people who already have low self-esteem and extremely high expectations. Watching ourselves eat compulsively only adds to the disgust that we feel. Butwe need to wake up to what we are doing. We cannot continue to gothrough life asleep. We must make eating a choice and not a coincidence."

I am working through the book and will post again with some other gems.

Day 114: Been away a while

Well - I'm back posting after a long break. I'm not yet back on the intuitive eating wagon, but I am mentally prepared to write my food diary and thoughts now after having some time out.

I have been an eating machine lately. Luckily the exercise is still going, but I am still eating far too much.

Goals for tomorrow: feel hunger once and listen to hypnosis tapes!

Day 97: So tired......

We have moved house now, and the last few days have been exhausting. I haven't slept well, and it has been a very physical few days of moving, packing, and unpacking.

My eating has been all out of wack - I have been eating to try to stay awake... making bad choices.

Now that the move is done hopefully I can focus on my needs.

Day 92: Positive negatives

OK, today had some IE ups and downs. Late morning I was thinking about heading to the snack box (I was stressed with work), but I thought - no I don't need to eat I have an apple I can have instead. I went to eat the apple, but I realised that I wasn't actually HUNGRY - so I didn't need to eat anything.

Then about half an hour later (I still wasn't really hungry) I saw the apple and started munching - for no reason!

At lunchtime I had my yummy leftovers, and I was full, but I did my silly-and-getting-more-regular trip to the shop to get lollies, which I proceeded to scoff within half an hour. I need to stop doing this.

Maybe I could try ABCDEF:

Activating event: Scoffing lollies at lunchtime
Belief: I am stressed, sweets and chocolate makes me feel better when I am stressed. I can always start again tomorrow with eating when I am hungry.
Consequence: I don't eat intuitively, I feel bad about eating lollies, AS WELL AS STILL FEELING STRESSED! Tomorrow never comes. I have to start today.
Dispute: Eating sweets does not help the stress, it actually makes things worse, as I always feel guilty afterwards. It doesn't help me to lose weight, it is bad for my teeth, and it could lead me to diabetes!
Effective new beliefs: I can handle stress. Everyone gets stress, and it won't kill me. The things I stress about are pretty small in the scheme of things. I am an intelligent woman, I understand that stuffing my face with lollies doesn't make the stress go away. Stress is OK. It shows me that I am alive and living! Think - what is the worst that can happen and realise that it is unlikely!
Feelings: I can handle stress, and I will look for alternatives to feeding my emotional hunger, including:
- a brisk walk
- reading a magazine in a shop
- window shopping
- writing a letter
- deep breathing
- gum (if I have mouth hunger)

Day 91: Running in the rain

I went for a run in the rain this morning, and it was actually quite fun. I hadn't gone on Monday because my little boy wasn't well, so I felt I really should get out there despite the weather.

Didn't eat too intuitively today. Meals were ok, but as usual snacks were excessive and not what I was needing.

Day 90: Hospital pass

I have been given a hospital pass job at work, not fun, and it has caused me a bit of stress. I need to keep telling myself that trying to subdue the stress with chocolate or sweets is not going to help. I might feel better for about 5 seconds but then I will feel worse.

Didn't get to go for my run yesterday, because my little boy was a bit sick. Hopefully will get to go in the morning.

Goal for tomorrow: eat consciously- tolerate stress

Day 88: Yesterday and Today

I didn't post yesterday, as I had an all out eating frenzy...

Today has been a little better (my stomach isn't stuffed full, although I haven't really eaten intuitively today.

I have to apologise to Jenn my accountability partner, as I haven't been very accountable lately!

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, and I'm not going to continue this weekend's binge any more because of that.

My aim for tomorrow is to feel hunger twice!

Day 86

Fallen off the wagon... feel lousy.

Time for bed.

Day 84: Rollercoaster ride

After doing so well yesterday, today felt like a bit of a "down". I didn't eat intuitively, and I snacked a lot.

Day 83: Resisting temptation

I had some great positives today! I went for a run this morning, and although my legs still felt like lead for the first 5 mins or so, I lasted ok.

I had a full-on day atwork, working on another project, and we also went out to lunch because one of the girls is getting married. I had yummy lunch, and ate more than I should have because it was soooo yummmy.

I felt like a chocolate bar in the afternoon, but I had some sugarfree gum instead.

This evening I stopped part way through my dinner because I had eaten enough (yay!), and although I knew there were chocolate biscuits in the fridge I had a hot chocolate instead which filled me up and gave me that chocolate fix. Hubby even directly offered me the chocolate biscuits later and I turned them down!!!

Day 82: Meals OK, Snacks Astray

The title says it all - my meals have been right on target, but my snacking is a constant source of excessiveness!

Today, while on my lunchtime walk, I stopped in at the store to get some gum, but I saw a mars bar pack, and bought that as well! I thought I don't have to eat it... but by the time I got back to work it was gone.

Then this evening I was rummaging around looking for something sweet (the copious amounts of fruit didn't tempt me). If we'd had milk I would have made a hot chocolate, but we were low, so instead I kept on rummaging....

At least I have started packing now!!! :-)

Day 81: The reasons I don't bake

Felt ok about my progress today, although looking back over my food diary it doesn't look so great. I felt like I ate consciously today, up until I baked in the evening, and ate 3 cookies while sitting in front of a movie....

Went for another run this morning and it was still hard work, although not quite as bad as yesterday.

Seems like blogger is doing some funny things with my posts - I could see day 80 just before, and now it is gone.. .that's not good.. .might need to look at an alternative.

Day 77: Excuses excuses

Really busy at work and stressful at the moment, but I have got to THINK, and not go into my habit-of-a-lifetime and turn to food when stressed. Right now my tummy feels full and I feel yuck, as I haven't treated it well today.

Achy shoulder still, got to keep off this keyboard for a while...

Day 75: Needle schmeedle

Gave blood today - great excuse to eat chocolate biscuits :-)

Seriously, today was pretty busy, so I didn't get much of a chance at work to nibble and crave.. after dinner was another story. Sweets are sitting in the cupboard calling my name... and I'm NOT HUNGRY!!! why do they tempt me?

RSI playing up today, so I will sign out for now...

Day 73, 74: 6km

Can't remember too much of yesterday. My sister was visiting so didn't get much chance to get on the computer.

This morning I did a 6km sloooooowwww run. Have been nibbling on sugary stuff all day. My stomach feels uncomfortably full... silly silly.

Physically very tired today, and will probably sleep well tonight.

Tomorrow's goal - eat when hungry - think about what powers my body.

Day 73, 74: 6km

Can't remember too much of yesterday. My sister was visiting so didn't get much chance to get on the computer.

This morning I did a 6km sloooooowwww run. Have been nibbling on sugary stuff all day. My stomach feels uncomfortably full... silly silly.

Physically very tired today, and will probably sleep well tonight.

Tomorrow's goal - eat when hungry - think about what powers my body.

Day 72: Got my timer on

I have my 15 minute timer on so I better be quick.

Felt like I listened to my hunger today, apart from late afternoon (after some work stress) and this evening (in front of TV again).

Went for a run this morning - felt good. Going to do some strength stuff next.

Day 71: Feel that rumble

Well, I aimed to feel hunger today before meals, and I did a pretty good job! I had a headache most of the day that got worse in the afternoon (often I reach for chocolate at that point, but I didn't need it).

Ended up having some chocolate after dinner and really enjoyed it!!

p.s. I spend way too much of my evening on my butt in front of the computer. I think I need to take Flylady's advice and spend it in 15 minute chunks, in between doing something constructive!

Day 70: That many days?

Has it been 70 days of logging this? I'm not sure what changes I have made in that time...


I guess at least I can show I have been consistent in logging my thoughts and my food diary. I need to think a bit more about my danger times and why I am eating when I'm not hungry.

Again tomorrow I will focus on hunger.

Day 69: Mouth hunger

Just ate and ate today - no regard for hunger... going to focus on letting myself be hungry tomorrow.

On a positive note I walked at lunchtime and went to a body pump class tonight.

Day 68: Rain rain go away

It is a public holiday here today, so no work (which is nice), but the weather is pretty wet and yuck. I managed to get out for a quick walk today (and ate two chocolate bars while I was out!) but no runs yet today. Hopefully it will ease off a bit later and I can go after the kids have their dinner.

The inlaws left this morning, and the kids had a sleep this afternoon, so I have had a bit of time to try to organise myself. Lots to do.

Feeling a bit blah - wonder if it is the weather, or related to some of the food I have eaten over the last few days.

(later)
Was very tempted to get chicken fried rice for dinnner tonight - couldn't be bothered cooking. But my body didn't really want it - it hasn't had much fruit or vegetables over the last few days. Instead I searched my recipes and came up with a quick and easy guacamole on toast dinner that was better for me.

Day 66, 67: No space

Had inlaws come to stay - great for the kids to see them, but meant that daughter was in our room both nights so no time on the computer. Eaten lots of junk without thought.

Day 65: Evening snackfest

My evenings are turning into junk food bingefests. Must take up painting or something to distract myself.

Definitely moving now in less than a month... lots to do

Day 64: Will you still need me, will you still feed me

Not a bad day today - in a better mood. Didn't go for a run in the morning, but went for a walk up and around the Mount at lunchtime.

Didn't stuff myself full, but was nibbling constantly at work... don't often feel thunder.

Day 63: A bit of sunshine helps lift the mood

It is amazing how improved my mood is on a fine day. I did ok today for eating intuitively, with some minor lapses.

Tonight my hubby pulled out the chocolate, but I had a few pieces (well around 8) and then he put it away. That is a good thing!

Didn't eat much fruit today - must remember to eat it as when I do I enjoy it.

Day 62: Lack of enthusiasm

Due to some minor annoyances at work, and distraction of thinking about moving house I was very unmotivated today. I did go for a run this morning, but only did about 19 min with a couple of mins walking in the middle. My legs just felt like lead.

Have eaten beyond fullness tonight. Was eating unconsiously.

Hope stress of moving won't cause me to falter.

Day 61: Left a half finished chocolate bar!

Wow - today I left a half finished chocolate bar in my drawer at work, because I had eaten enough. This is very rare!

I did fall apart a bit in the evening, and didn't get my planned lunchtime walk in because of the weather, but I am focussing on the positivity of the day!

I read through this website last night (think it came from one of Jenn's links). I really relate to what Dave has to say in this site. I think my problem is less about yoyo dieting, and more about binge eating (I have only lost weight - more than a kg or two - a couple of times in my life, despite a resolve every morning that today is the day I will control myself).

I think that his idea of having a hobbie or something else to focus on in danger times is a great idea. I might go and get my paintbrush out again.

Day 59, 60: Ran race!

I did it!! Ran the whole 5km (with the exception of a planned short walk up a really steep hill at the very start). Was a bit demoralising since there wasn't many people doing it so I was running with hardly anyone else the whole way. It was a bit disorganised too (and running into a very strong wind at the end). Next time I must convince my family to come and cheer me along....

Pretty good eating-wise today (listening to my body) apart from a "kids-are-in-bed-must-be-time-for-my-afternoon-snack" session after lunch.

Day 58: I got it!

Well they have offered it (the job) to me and I said I would get back to them on Monday. Has been nearly 2 months of waiting so they can wait a couple more days.

Did well on my eating during the day, but usual eating problems in the evening, although I did turn down an offer of chocolate from hubby afterwards.

Very tired - off to sleep.

Day 57: Find out tomorrow

I find out tomorrow if I got the job. Bit nervous, but will be good to finally know. THis cold is still bugging me - seems worse tonight.

I had a breakthrough at work today (after eating a bag of sweets, but we won't go there...) I headed for the snackbox, but couldn't see anything that I really felt like, so I had some water and left - amazing!!

Now I just need to think like that in my danger times (after lunch and in the evening).

Day 55. 56: The cold effects

I have a cold and a sore throat and feel like a misery. Yesterday my sore throat was so annoying, and the only thing that "seemed" to soothe it was eating. I just ate and ate. I had a bad sleep last night because my irritable throat just kept on irritating me!

This morning I was going to go for a run, but decided I'd had a crappy sleep so I wouldn't bother. Hubby said why don't you go out for a walk anyway, so I did. I ended up walking for 10 mins or so, then running for about 19 minutes!! I was so glad that I had done it, and my cold didn't feel too bad. It was a beautiful (chilly) morning and the tide was out so it was nice to run along the sand.

I didn't eat very intuitively today, and my excuse was my cold, but that is really just an excuse. I should have been eating lots of fruit and vitamin c, but instead I chose processed and fatty foods. I had a big lunch, and at dinner time wasn't hungry. I just felt like some muesli (I had felt like that for breakfast, but we had run out), so I had that. I thought about making a vege stir fry, but instead ate more junk.... at least I made my hubby hide the rest of the chocolate so I wouldn't eat it!!!

Day 54: Mondays... I prefer Sundays

Actually today wasn't too bad for a Monday, but I am getting a cold (thanks to darling daughter) and feeling a bit sorry for myself. Must have an early night tonight...

Today would have been a fine model for intuitive eating apart from the large bag of sweets that I bought and consumed after lunch.... silly silly.......

Day 53: Run 2 days in a row!

Decided to go out for a run again today to increase my time a little, but since it was my morning up with the kids, I didn't get to go until around 9am, and my legs felt like lead. I ran for a couple of minutes then thought I'd just walk, but after walking for 5 mins or so I decided I needed to push myself a bit more so I ran. I ran for about 12 mins or so then walked a couple of minutes, then ran another 10 mins or so. So about 24 mins in total - but not in a row. The 5km race I have entered is next Sunday, so I guess I am going to have to run/walk it....

When I got back from my run, I did some stretches, strength stuff (for about 10 mins!!), and my daughter was trying to copy me. It was very cute...

Have sorted out the house (de-cluttered a bit) and some papers. My goal is to try to keep it like that for a week! I feel so much happier when I'm not living in a cluttered environment.....

As for eating today, my usual weekend habits kicked in again. Next weekend I'll have to save my run for that time of day!!! (As it turned out Mr 1 year old didn't really sleep, so I didn't have huge amounts of time to junk-frenzy). I have swapped mornings with hubby so that I can run on Tuesday, but that means I have to get up early tomorrow again.... :-(

Day 52: Usual weekend habits

Still freezing here today, but fantastic sunshine... went for a run along the beach this morning. 19 minutes, felt like I could have kept going longer, but hubby wanted to go and pick up the car, so I needed to get back for the kids.

Had an awful sleep last night, daughter dearest woke several times (she has a cold, plus kicks her blankets off). At 4am I couldn't get back to sleep for nearly 2 hours. Luckily it was hubbys turn to get up. My turn tomorrow!

Hit the junk food again this afternoon , as soon as the kids are in bed. That seems to be my danger time. Perhaps I should go out walking or find some other way of occupying myself at that time...

Day 51: Friday again (hooray!)

I have been so busy this week at work, and was sure I was going to have to work this weekend, so it was great to be able to leave the office at 5.15 on Friday evening and think "I don't need to go back until Monday"! Hooray!!!

My gum saved me from eating without hunger again this afternoon - I just keep on frantically chew-chew-chewing until it looses its taste, and I start on the next piece. It feels a little like a crutch at the moment, and probably something I will have to wean myself off later. I did end up eating a cookie late morning, but I missed out on my friday work shout, so I felt like a little sweetness from the snackbox.

We should get the car back tomorrow (a week of being car-less has been a bit of a shock), along with the bill of around $3000!!! aarrgh! Nevermind. At least we don't have two cars to break down... :-)

Day 50: Interview is over

I had my interview today, and I think it went ok. I have been stressing a bit about it, but now it is over I am happy - should know by the end of next week.

Didn't run this morning, as I was preparing for the interview. Went out tonight, but it was freezing and my legs felt like lead. I am much better in the mornings.

Went to buy a muffin at lunchtime, and they didn't have any nice ones left, so I ended up going and buying lollies and gum. It would have been a good idea to buy grapes or something to munch on.

Off to have a bath (after the dishes)

Day 50

Day 49: Busy busy

Still busy at work. Met one deadline today, another one on Friday means that there is no rest for the wicked.... the toblerone late this afternoon was eaten for stress reasons.

I am finding the gum good - as it gives me something to do with my mouth. I just need to think about how much gum I should be eating... not too keen on the chemicals in it.

I have been thinking about my hunder/fullness levels, but it is yet to have too much impact on my choices - slow and steady....

Going to try to run with some of the others from work at lunchtime tomorrow - hope I'm not too slow. I have entered a 5km race on October 15th, so only have less than two weeks to go for training...

Day 48: Tired

Feeling tired right now, didn't sleep well last night due to stress, full stomach, thunderstorms, and waking toddler. Managed to get myself up and out of bed in time to get in a quick 15 mins of running this morning - so proud that I did that, as at one stage I thought - why bother.

Eating has been fairly well on track today, although I haven't had much fruit or vege.

Watched Downsize Me again tonight - very inspirational (or motivating/scary!)

Day 47: Stressed and binge-fest

Yucky wet day here today. Stressed with work, got an acne breakout, and despite my good balanced lunch, I went out to get sugar in my lunchbreak (a whole bag of gummy sweets) as well as some gum.

I knew I was full after that and feeling yuck, and it was like my subconscious said - you feel yuck - maybe some more junk food will help.. so I ate more!! I could just feel it in my stomach (still can as I am still munching...

Ugh. Why do I do this to myself.....

p.s. weighed myself over the weekend (we don't have scales at home) and I am about the same weight that I was after having my last baby - haven't lost any of that preggy weight.... but I knew that really by the way that my clothes fit....

Day 46: Both ends of the scale

Today I experienced what I had read about - the binge caused by letting myself get too hungry. I went for a run this morning (22 mins - yay!) and didn't really eat enough breakfast when I got home. We then went down to the beach, and by then I was getting really hungry.

When we got back I was nibbling while I made the kids lunch, since mum said she would babysit while we went out for lunch (yahoo!). By the time I got to the cafe I was pretty hungry and we ordered an entree (starter) to share, even though I new the main (entree) was going to be large. It was so yummy that I just ate and ate, even though I knew that I was beyond comfortably full.

We then walked back and stopped at the fruit shop on the way - I was tempted by the chocolate bars, and then ate that on top of being VERY full.... so much for listening to my body!

I am going to record my hunger scale in my food diary so that I can see if there is any pattern. Next time I run, I must allow myself a larger breakfast, or a snack mid-morning to keep me going.

Day 44, 45: Out to dinner and the morning after

We went out to a friend from work's place for dinner last night. I ate way too much, and worse, drank way too many glasses of wine. I regretted it today. We also were woken for about an hour last night at 3am by an alarm that kept going for ages until the fire dept turned up to turn it off.

Needless to say I have had a hangover today, so have just been lying about feeling sorry for myself and eating fatty food. I should have gone for a run this morning. Hopefully I can go tomorrow.

Not going to drink wine like that again...

Day 43: 20 mins running!

I was so pleased with myself this morning - I thought I would try jogging for as long as I could and I managed 20 minutes! I haven't jogged for more than a few minutes in a row for a long time!

I asked myself whether I was consciously hungry several times today - got to get more focussed on that - I was hungry at morning tea time (probably because of the run) so I had a milo to keep me going. This afternoon and this evening - the old automated eating machine took over again.... trying to understand why...

- some emotions at work (busy project, some things going wrong, interview for new position next week)
- some home emotions (wanting to move house, rentals getting hard to find, car problems that are likely to cost thousands)

Stress happens, it is natural - I CAN handle it.

Day 42: The chocolate temptation

I got stressed about work today, headed out for a muffin, couldn't find one so I ended up with a 2 pack of mars bars which I scoffed walking back to the office. I didn't really want them (I wanted my berry muffin, or some good quality chocolate but couldn't fine either). I could have bought some gum from the shop to satisfy my "mouth hunger"....

Then this evening hubby had the large chocolate bar sitting there... and I just kept on eating. I could hear a tiny voice saying, after a few pieces, "you've had enough, stop there and there will be more to enjoy another day" but I always block that voice out. We ate the lot (and I ate more than him).... sigh.

I don't know whether to get "tough" with myself, or just keep trying. I feel like I am getting nowhere.... the same old habits keep on coming back.

Day 41: Morning jog

Wow! I actually managed to get out the door this morning and do a bit of a jog/walk thing (2mins jog/2mins walk for about 20 mins). It was a fantastic morning and it felt great.

Only problem is I have realised that next weekend is daylight savings, so the mornings will get darker, and I will probably have a harder time getting up!!

Day 40: The bumpy journey

Well... 40 days. Do I feel like I have made progress? Yes! I am pleased for myself for keeping on logging the food and the feelings almost every day. My binges still occur, but they are fewer and further between.

It has taken me 20 or more years to get to this point in my life, so I have to expect that it will take a while to get my body to listen to what it needs.

Today was another bump in the road... not sure what happened. The morning shout at work kick started a bit of a sugar fest. Part of me wonders if I should try to give up on sugar all together, but deep down I just know that would make me crave it more!! Best to focus on having exactly what I want and savouring and enjoying it, instead of grabbing something and stuffing it in.

Day 39: Long walk

Did the 12 km walk today. Time of 1:50 which wasn't too bad. Was ravenous about halfway round and have done nothing but eat all day! Also been really hot here. Summer must be on its way.

Day 38: So tired

After I posted last night, hubby brought out a king size bar of chocolate, and although I told myself at first I would just have a couple of pieces, together we devoured the lot!!

Had a busy day today. Went to a kids birthday party this afternoon and I am absolutely shattered. Looking forward to an early night - got that 12km walk tomorrow.

Day 38: So tired

After I posted last night, hubby brought out a king size bar of chocolate, and although I told myself at first I would just have a couple of pieces, together we devoured the lot!!

Had a busy day today. Went to a kids birthday party this afternoon and I am absolutely shattered. Looking forward to an early night - got that 12km walk tomorrow.

Day 37: Summer is coming!

Wow - it was pretty warm today. Definitely tshirt weather even when we first woke up this morning. Our office airconditioning isn't great, so I'm not looking forward to being hot and sweaty over summer (my legs aren't skirt material, so I wear trousers/jeans all year around).

Pretty happy with how things went food-wise today. I was pretty busy at work, and didn't get tempted by the snack box... even ate several pieces of fruit!!!

Day 36: Got that chocolate hankering!

Busy at work again today, and had that hankering for chocolate late afternoon so got a toblerone from the snackbox - gobbled it up while at my desk... must learn to savour and enjoy things more.

Felt like chocolate again tonight - thought I'd make a hot chocolate but there is none in the house, since hubby thought my "hot chocolate" on the shopping list was "not chocolate"!!! Got to laugh really!

Went for a walk at lunchtime today. Have signed myself up for a 12km walk on Sunday!!!!

Day 35: Overall not a bad day

Beautiful weather today, and it was actually quite warm. I took some time out to have lunch with my family at the playground, but ended up having to work late, so missed little man going to bed again.

Food-wise things were reasonable today, although I know that there is a packet of chocolate biscuits sitting there in the cupboard calling my name!

Need to get out walking at lunchtime and eat more fruit and veges!

Day 34: What? Me remember yesterday?

Yeah right... I think it involved chocolate....

Day 33: OK day

Did OK today (no full packets of chocolate biscuits eaten) but still felt like some of my eating was unconscious.

Had to make hubby a batch of shortbread tonight to make up for the choc chippies of his that I munched out on... hope I don't eat all of that too!

Hypnosis tape tonight... and being in the moment tomorrow!!

Day 32: Ugh!

I feel yuck. I have just eaten a whole packet of chocolate biscuits in one go. I was rummaging around in the pantry (hubby is playing out in the garage), and couldn't find anything to satisfy me, so I ran across the road and bought a packet of chocolate biscuits from the service station, and I scoffed the lot within 20 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How do our bodies adjust to be able to do that??? Many years ago half a pack or less would have made me sick, but I can now consume huge amounts in a sitting. Why does my body let me do this to it? Why do I do it to myself...... feeling really low right now.

Day 31: Weekends are the hardest

I am having typical weekend. Started off well, but descended into old habits. Haven't drunk enough or eaten any fruit today..........

Day 30: Water water water

I must remember to drink!! Especially when I am at home. Usually at work I am pretty good at getting up and getting drinks of hot or cold water.

I am especially bad at drinking water after dinner. Often I will go the whole evening without drinking and I get very dehydrated.

Today was another progress day (although I fell asleep last night before I listened to my hypnosis recording).

I ate sensibly, walked at lunchtime, and have even managed to do the dishes before I sat down to the computer (much nicer than struggling to do them at 10.30pm at night!!).

I still need to concentrate on how hungry I am as a cue to eating... but that will come over time.

Day 29: A yay day

I feel very proud of myself today. I listened to my hypnosis recording last night before bed (finally).

This morning (even though it was my morning to "sleep in") I got up and went for a walk with some jogging thrown in for good measure. I went along the beach and it was absolutely devine - brilliant sunny morning.

Today at work I have been busy, but I feel like I have listened to my body and eaten what my body wanted. I was tempted at lunchtime to go and buy something sweet (a habit), but I didn't need it - I was full!

I chewed gum in the afternoon (will try to wean myself off it eventually since I don't like reading the labels of what goes into it!) and didn't get tempted by the snackbox.

Tonight we had a social outing for a shared family dinner at the kids music class. The food was what I wouldn't normally choose, but I ate enough to keep me going.

This evening I managed to just eat ONE chocolate biscuit. I am very proud of myself - it is very rare that I would stop at one... unless it was the last one :-)

I will listen to my hypnosis tape again tonight! Positive thinking!!!

Day 28: Working late

I had to work late today, so I didn't get to see my little boy before he went to bed. :-(

Eating wise it was a mixed bag today. I had a good healthy lunch and dinner - it was just the snacks and things around that I didn't need. As I write this I am feeling over full... I never seem to stop and think of my hunger....

I didn't listen to my hypnosis tape last night either. Must go do dishes and then listen to it....

Days 24 to 27: That post-holiday feeling

Sorry - no posts for the last few days, as I have been on holiday with my family. We had a great time, and did some fun things, but we also ate ALOT! It felt like we had about 10 meals a day. Food is always a bit of a ritual at family get togethers, and this one was no exception.

It is interesting that of all of my immediate family (and our food-focussed gatherings), I am the only one that is overweight with "food issues". On Dad's side of the family there are several generations of overweight women (some, but not all). I guess I have that tendancy!

Got a bit of a wakeup call tonight, watching a program here on New Zealand TV called "Downsize Me". They take overweight people and put them through some healthy food and exercise program. The interesting thing is that they also make fit/healthy people eat the food that they would have eaten, and they monitor the effect that it has on them - pretty scary what several weeks of crap diet does to people.... The program started off a new season by revisiting those that they had helped last year. They had generally done pretty well, but some had fallen into old habits. I don't agree with some of the hardcore tactics that they take with people, but it is an interesting show.

I will listen to my hypnosis recording tonight!! (Feeling full and flabby after rushed chinese takeaway... food diary to continue tomorrow).

Day 23: Chocolate frenzy

Had a bit of a chocolate frenzy today - and my skin is a nightmare!

I don't think I am drinking enough - and I'm definitely not thinking about hunger - just what can I next put in my mouth that tastes good!!!

I am going to listen to my hypnosis recording tonight.

Day 21, 22: Full on and frazzled

Ok STRESS IS TOLERABLE! I need to keep telling myself that, since my habits are so ingrained to reach for junk food at the first sign of stress.

On Wednesday I did feel hunger before lunch (since I was so busy in meetings etc), but by the afternoon I was reaching for the snack box again. I had a late-ish dinner, so I was reasonably hungry (maybe a 6 or 7). I didn't clear my plate because I'd had enough.

Today I feel like an eating machine! It has been all go since I got to work this morning, and I didn't get time for a proper lunch break or a walk. I am going to start a food diary as a separate blog to try and uncover what is happening!!

Day 17,18, 19, and 20: Off the wagon

"oops I did it again"

Oh dear! The weekend and Monday was a bit of a fall back into old habits, and today wasn't much better. I considered not posting at all, but I can't just stop and get back to where I was heading (obese and unhappy).

My goal for tomorrow is to feel hunger twice! (Once before lunch and once before dinner)

Day 16: Hooray for Friday

I love the end of the week! Unfortunately it looks like I am going to have to do some work this weekend, but not until Sunday evening.

Didn't really concentrate on what my body really wanted today, and ended up having a few things that probably weren't the best, but at least it wasn't an all out binge.

My daughter is all upset at the moment since she misses the dog puppet from kindy.... not sure how to deal with that!

Day 15: Walking on the beach

I love where I work! There is a beautiful white sand surf beach a few minutes walk away. On a day like today (blue sky and beautiful) it is fantastic to be able to walk in my lunchbreak.

On the eating front I have been reasonably "conscious" today. I had a milky drink for morning tea again, and a good home made lunch (my yummy leftovers - so glad that I didn't eat them yesterday). I also bought some sugar free gum and chewed on that after lunch for some "mouth feel". I did get a chocolate bar at about 3pm, but I wanted it and I enjoyed it.

I am now sorting through about 3 months worth of paperwork!! A job I have been putting off for a while, but have just decided to get on and do as much as I can. FLYlady would be proud! :-)

Day 14: A great day so far

Well, after yesterday's reverting to old habits, today has been much more positive. (I was going to say today has been "good" but that sounded too much like "diet talk").

I have a temporary new job at work, so I think today's positivity was brought about by that. The work isn't necessarily any better, but it is a change, and a chance to pick up some new skills.

My co-worker was heading for the chocolate at 10am this morning, but that was a bit early in the day for me (although I have been known to eat chocolate at breakfast time before today!!). Instead I opted for a milky drink which kept me going till lunchtime. I then made myself a nice toasted sandwhich and had some fruit (yum!). I also bought some almonds to nibble on, and although I probably ate more that I needed (I ate them because they were there, rather than because I was hungry) - my body was my happier with those than with sweets or chocolate!

Tonight I had my yummy vege bean stack for dinner, and instead of heading for seconds because it was so tasty, I thought I'd had enough, so I have saved some for lunch tomorrow. So instead of feeling uncomfortably full for a few minutes of "tastes yum", I have it to enjoy tomorrow.

I think part of my eating "thing" is that I always like to have something in my mouth. I wonder if it was because I was a thumb sucker as a child? Might be an interesting theory to see if kids who had a thumb or dummy habit as toddlers or preschoolers tend to eat more.....? In the meantime I may need to invest in some gum.

Day 13: Unlucky for some

I'm not even going to talk about Day 13... let's just move on... :-)

Day 12: It is always the evenings

Why is it that my greed takes over in the evenings? I have got through the day listening to my body, eating what my body needs, and then in the evening those little voices take over, and before I know it I have eaten 5 biscuits!

Maybe the problem stems back to Linda Moran's ideas of binges being triggered by eating a little too much in the first place? I had a yummy dinner, and looking back I cleared my plate (like I usually do), but perhaps I need to think about whether I am satisfied BEFORE my plate is clear?

Tomorrow I am going to concentrate on eating, and put the fork down between bites (probably a good idea to chew my food properly anyway). Before I continue I will think about whether I have had enough.....

Day 11: Ups and Downs

Had a great long walk in the sun today (pushing the kids in the double buggy most of the way - a great arm and leg workout).

Had nice dinner all planned tonight, but then things turned to custard and ended up getting indian takeaways... now stuffed full and feeling sorry for myself.

Off to have abubble bath....

Day Ten: Chocolate Chip Cookies!

Having home-made chocolate chip cookies in the house is too much temptation for me! Mum baked some with my daughter this morning, and I have been thinking about them all day - I keep just having "one or two" but I have now lost count over how many I have eaten.

I have been greedy! I wasn't hungry and it obviously wanted what my body wanted, since once I had some I wasn't satified.

At least we got a chance to get down to the beach for a little walk today. It was a bit of a workout, carrying my one year old in the backpack!

Day Nine: My Friend Sugar

Ok. Today was generally ok in the scheme of things - lots of temptations, and times that I thought I wanted to eat rubbish. I decided to go for a little walk at lunchtime, and one of the little voices in my head said "why don't you go and buy some chocolate", while the other little voice said "no you don't need it - stress is tolerable"! The first little voice is very persuasive and I found myself in the shop thinking "I will just buy something small and yummy - but they didn't have much of a selection, so I ended up buying a large bag of lollies (candy) and scoffing the lot!! And I don't even know why - I sometimes think my body doesn't want me to eat normally... but I guess that it has had about 20 years of not eating normally, so it will take a little time to adjust. I just have to keep my consciousness up, and fight harder against that little voice.

p.s. after my post last night I ended up sharing an entire large bar of chocolate with hubby!!?? Why??? I didn't even like the flavour much!

Day Eight: Stress is Tolerable!!??

OK, the stress levels were on the increase today. Our car needs 4 new tyres, and the transmission is stuffed and is going to cost approx $3500 to fix!!! AAarrgh! This would be ok if we were both working, but on one income we are only just getting by without worrying about these extras!

After hearing this news I had a mini-much fest this afternoon, but kept myself reasonably well in check. I guess you can say that is progress, every full on binge avoided is a step in the right direction (i.e. at least things aren't getting worse!).

My little boy decided he wouldn't sleep this afternoon, so I haven't had that time needed to think about where my head is at - I am also feeling tired and my mum is coming to stay tomorrow, so I think I'll have a little declutter and clean up, and head for bed.

Tomorrow is another day! Baby steps - baby steps!

Day Seven: What to say?

I finished reading the How to Survive your diet book last night, and I think it has a lot of good value ideas in it. Tomorrow I have the day off, so I am going to see if I can get some thinking time to myself, and come up with some focus.

...Still no decision made on the job front... perhaps that is why I have been nibbling all evening when I'm not really hungry....?

Day Six: Hard to break habits

Ok, so there were chocolate biscuits at morning tea time, and I had two. I had a great healthy (and yummy) lunch of tuna salad sandwhich on wholegrain bread. In my quick walk after lunch I was very tempted to buy some sugary thing, but ended up spending $5 on a healthy food magazine (a much better option).

My cravings continued throughout the afternoon, I ended up chewing gum, but went through a whole packet in an afternoon - something I'm not keen on getting in the habit of, as there are all sorts of nasty chemicals in those things!

My walk home was bitterly cold, and again I was tempted with chocolate or sugar, but I resisted again!!! (YAY!). Hubby had prepared a nice dinner of salad, boiled potatoes and fresh fish (although it was precoated in strange yellow breadcrumbs).

Things turned to custard a bit more once the kids were in bed, and I got stuck into the chips, choc/marshmallows, and icecream cones (without the icecream). I didn't go to my Tuesday night weights class, and so I feel a bit deflated (or should that be inflated).... but looking on the bright side, at least I didn't give in to those earlier temptatations of the day!

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.

Right - time to snuggle up in bed where it is warm.

Day Five: Still Alive!

Ok, still alive but feeling slightly worse for wear. Apart from it being that time of the month, I have also been offered a new job today, but it will involve making a big decision about where we live that I thought I wouldn't have to make until the end of the year. After eating a good balanced portion sensible lunch, I dashed across the road and bought an apple turnover (pastry)! I had a huge desire for sweets (candy) all afternoon, but my little voice kept saying "stress is tolerable" - as I had read from Linda's book last night!

Just a short post tonight as I need to go and chat with hubby about what we will do!

Day Four: At the zoo

Literally at the zoo today! We decided on the spur of the moment to take the kids to the zoo (about 1.5 hours away). It gave us a chance for a walk, and to see some wildlife. I did well and packed a lunch so that we didn't have to buy greasy cafe food, but we got an icecream at the end.

My daughter has got in the habit of asking for "special treats" when she means sweet foods. We try to call them "sometimes foods" to make it less of a reward, but it is hard to break that habit....

I finally got my hair cut this afternoon (after putting it off for months and months). It is kind of a new style and I'm not quite sure about it, but at least it doesn't look like it hasn't been cut for months now! I often tend to fall into the habit of dressing sloppily, and I think it makes my eating habits worse and generally lowers my self esteem. I should listen to FLYlady's advice about "getting dressed to the shoes" everyday!

I read nearly half of Linda Moran's book last night. It seems to have the right attitude. My problem isn't so much formal dieting (although I have done a bit of it in the past) - it is more about a food "addiction" or bingeing habit, but the book covers that too.

At the dinner table tonight, I thought consciously at the beginning "I must eat until I am satiated", but then enjoyed the food so much, before I knew it I was munching on seconds - this thing is going to take a while!!

I think I'll go and read some more while I've got the chance. :-)

Day Three: Busy weekend

Phew! I was home with the kids today, giving hubby a bit of a break (although he was here and still pulling his weight). I am pretty tired now! How did my mum cope with four of us - I struggle with two!!??

The sun was shining this morning, so after breakfast I took the kids out for a walk (we have a double buggy, so I can go at my own pace for some of the way, and it is a good arm workout).

I have done well with being positive today, and generally my eating has been focussed on what my body needs (apart from a splurge of chips and chocolate as I sat and read a magazine while the kids were asleep!). I was glad that my little junk food session didn't turn into an all out binge for the rest of the day. That is a big thing for me not to say "oh well I have blown it - I'll eat till I'm stuffed and start again tomorrow". Instead, I just let it pass and think about what my body needs for the rest of the day.

I decided to cook a good dinner for all of us from scratch tonight, but it was a bit of a disaster - that whole 5 o'clock thing with kids doesn't help - it is no wonder that hubby ends up giving the kids easy convenience things (he is a SAHD while I work fulltime)! The tuna rissoles were completely rejected by Master One and Miss Three only at tiny bits. At least Daddy liked them!

I've been reading the dietsurvivors posts, and today I saw a mention that Linda Moran's book was available in pdf form for free! That is so great, because buying a book on Amazon gets so expensive for us when we have to pay in US dollars and pay for shipping out to here! I've just started reading and it looks great so far. Another tool to add to the collection! I may still buy it if it is good.

Day Two: Baby Steps

So, today wasn't too bad in the scheme of things. I had some cravings, and indulged in a few things, but resisted the all out binges that are so common! Even tonight at the supermarket during my peak bingeing hours, I chose a small chocolate bar over a large one (even though the large one was on special and would have cost less - shock horror!).

I've been thinking about the tools that I am trying to build from, and all of them (FLY Lady, HUGS, hypnosis, and Mind Over Body), all focus on positive thinking and baby steps. I am taking from these tools what I need to create my own solution to my own life!

Positivity is a big thing for me - I grew up in a loving family, but it was often very negative. My mother especially is often very negative/nagging and it has affected my outlook on life. My husband is the opposite - he is always the "she'll be right" positive one, gained from the family life he had, which is probably what attracts me about him. Over the years we have gained a little more of the other's traits, but I am still generally the pessimist. I think this is what gives me low self esteem (even though I should be proud of who I am and what I have acheived in life).

So my goals for tomorrow are:

• keep going with baby steps
• get out in the sunshine
• focus on the positive.

One more thought

This thread has some great comments in!

Day One: Another new start

So... it starts again. A new day, a new attempt to find some control over the insatiable need to chomp my way through huge quanities of chocolate/sugar/junk food. It isn't like this is a new thing. I will let you in on a bit of condensed history...maybe my story is similar to yours....

Early Memories

Early Childhood

I wasn't a large child, although I have always loved food. Some of my earliest food related memories include coming home from birthday parties (where we'd been filled up with various junk food treats), and telling my mother that we hadn't had much to eat, so that I could eat some more.

Treats

"Treat" foods were strictly controlled and rare (as they should be I guess), but in some ways I wonder, if they hadn't been made so elusive and "special", if I would have had such a strong craving for them???

I was very fussy with food - there were so many things that I didn't like (I must have driven my parents mad). I didn't really start eating "different" things until I left home and went flatting. By then I guess my taste buds had matured and my peers had more influence.

Teens

I put on more and more weight over time in my teens (I kind of kept with my age, i.e. at 10 was size 10, at 14 size 14, and at 16 size 16). I wasn't into girly things like makeup/boys/dressing up. I was a good student, and very sensible/square/geeky/shy. I used to start food diaries, and do exercises in my room - usually short lived bouts of enthusiasm.

The power of young love!

I guess things only changed when I got my first boyfriend after starting university (who I ended up marrying many years later!!!). The whole nervous energy/young love thing kicked in, and I lost quite a bit of weight - getting down to a 12/14 without purposely trying.

Gradually over the years as we became more comfortable with each other, the old habits crept back. He loves sweet/sugary foods too, although he knows his limit and is slim. I did my old habit of starting diaries, and "being good" but it never lasted long.

Getting married

When we decided to get married I knew that I didn't want to look the way that I did in my wedding photos, so I headed nervously off to weight watchers and lost probably about 8-10 kg. I was happy with the way that I looked in my photos (lightest in the last 12 years or so!), although I stopped going before I got to goal.

About a month after we married we moved to the UK, and once there under the stress of travelling and trying to find work, the old habits kicked in. Within 6 months I was back to where I started... again.

Over the years

Over the years since I have tried going back to Weight Watchers a few times, being less successful each time. I tried hypnosis - which I thought was good, but I started just before I found out I was pregnant, so abandoned dieting.

What I believe in

I then happened upon a program called HUGS, run by a dietician in Auckland. I think the HUGS philosophies are fantastic. The basic premise is not to make any radical changes but to gradually improve your eating, and confidence, focus on your body/hunger and not to diet. Since then I have got rid of my scales and declared not to diet again.

I have since had another child and am at the heaviest I have been through general laziness and my sweet tooth. I don't want to get in that diet mentality (since I know that I will end up even heavier), but I still end up eating loads of chocolate and sugary foods.

I've had recent forays into two other programs (Mind Over Body and hypnosis tapes from Grant Boddington) both of which have good points that I think can apply together with the HUGS philosophy. On a personal organisation front I have also been following basic FlyLady steps over the past year which I think will combine to get me into the mindset I want.

The purpose of this blog is to try to get some focus, and hopefully some support in continuing on the no-diet approach.

I aim to post every day and take baby steps to get my brain and body going in the direction that I want them to.