Day 124: Stuffed full again

Why do I do this to myself?

Was just reading a bit on the 3 minute therapy site and I have decided to blog on the disadvantages of eating chocolate and lollies:

1. It rots my teeth
2. No matter how much I eat I can't seem to be satisfied
3. It keeps me overweight
4. It makes me feel depressed afterwards
5. It plays havoc on my skin
6. Processed food/sugar/fat is linked to bowel/other cancers, heart disease, and diabetes. I don't want to leave my babies motherless.
7. It gives me mood swings
8. It costs money that could be spent on other things
9. It means that I can't fit the clothes that I want to wear
10. It stops me choosing other healthier food

Day 120: No lollies today

Wow - minor miracle today. Did not eat lollies or chocolate!!!! Amazing.... OK so my diet wasn't exactly a healthy whole food balanced thing, but at least this is progress.

And I rode the 7km each way to and from work today.... it isn't going to be much fun as it gets hotter!!! But quite nice to ride home past the beach. Better than being stuck in Auckland traffic (or Tauranga traffic for that matter!!)

Day 119: Cancer!

Sorry - don't mean to scare you with that title, but the topic of bowel cancer came up at work today, within the context of "low fibre processed foods = higher risk". That scared me - although I eat ok in terms of some fruit and veges etc, I do eat a lot of rubbish processed foods!!!

Day 118: Sugar sugar sugar

Can't get enough of that sugar hit!!

Day 117: sun shiny day

The sun was shining today which always helps my mood. Just realised it has been 4 days since I did any real exercise and I miss it! Must go for a run in the morning (although I have to bike to work too).

Didn't do a great job of eating today - too lazy.

step by step

Day 117: Don't know what to say

.....

Day 116: More thinking

After posting last night, I ended up eating quite a bit of junk.... don't know why.

I am still in the right head space today - still a bit unwell so was at home again, and did some more reading of Fear of food book.

My evenings are obviously the worst times for that automatic eating. I don't know whether to tackle them first, or work on other times first and tackle the hard bit last....???

Day 115: Feel refreshed

I was feeling a bit sick today, so I ended up taking the day off, and doing a bit of sleeping, reading and contemplating.

I've picked up a book that I read years ago when I was in the UK, called "Fear of Food" it is a non-diet book and has some good stuff in it.

Some quotes that rang a bell with me:
"Compulsive eating and weight difficulties are linked with a diversityof emotional and psychological states as well as geneticpredisposition, learned behaviours about food and eating and theactual physical aspects of metabolism and the type of food eaten. Evenself knowledge is not the answer. You have been collecting everythingyou need to know for years, but knowing "why" doesn't change anythingeither. You need to take that self understanding and create anemotional/physical change. You need to integrate the mind and thebody. This is a whole body process. You need to work with your body asa friend and not as some problem that keeps hanging around."

"You can alter your eating behaviour in a variety of ways, but if younever address the reason that it got out of balance to begin with, youare doomed to fall back into the trap. You need to look at your wholelife, not just your eating or your body. Instead of asking yourself'How do I stop being out of control with food?', ask yourself, 'Whatis it that I want from food?' We treat our bodies like problems, as if they were an enemy followingus around. We actas if we are not part of our bodies and often livefrom the neck up. We imagine that everything can be accomplishedthrough the mind. We avoid looking at our bodies or feeling them to bepart of us in any positive way."

"I know many overweight and eating-disordered people who only consult a mirror to put on their makeup or style their hair. They think thatif they ignore their body, somehow they don't have to worry about it.They think that ignoring it will lesson their emotional turmoil. In this way, we are constantly fighting against ourselves. How can youexpect your body to co-operate if you hate it"

"But our real problem is with low self esteem and dissociation"

"you need to accept your body as part of yourself and see that it istrying to tell you something by being overweight"

"Most overeating is done unconsciously. We don't pay attention to whatwe are doing because it's just too painful. We are people who already have low self-esteem and extremely high expectations. Watching ourselves eat compulsively only adds to the disgust that we feel. Butwe need to wake up to what we are doing. We cannot continue to gothrough life asleep. We must make eating a choice and not a coincidence."

I am working through the book and will post again with some other gems.

Day 114: Been away a while

Well - I'm back posting after a long break. I'm not yet back on the intuitive eating wagon, but I am mentally prepared to write my food diary and thoughts now after having some time out.

I have been an eating machine lately. Luckily the exercise is still going, but I am still eating far too much.

Goals for tomorrow: feel hunger once and listen to hypnosis tapes!

Day 97: So tired......

We have moved house now, and the last few days have been exhausting. I haven't slept well, and it has been a very physical few days of moving, packing, and unpacking.

My eating has been all out of wack - I have been eating to try to stay awake... making bad choices.

Now that the move is done hopefully I can focus on my needs.

Day 92: Positive negatives

OK, today had some IE ups and downs. Late morning I was thinking about heading to the snack box (I was stressed with work), but I thought - no I don't need to eat I have an apple I can have instead. I went to eat the apple, but I realised that I wasn't actually HUNGRY - so I didn't need to eat anything.

Then about half an hour later (I still wasn't really hungry) I saw the apple and started munching - for no reason!

At lunchtime I had my yummy leftovers, and I was full, but I did my silly-and-getting-more-regular trip to the shop to get lollies, which I proceeded to scoff within half an hour. I need to stop doing this.

Maybe I could try ABCDEF:

Activating event: Scoffing lollies at lunchtime
Belief: I am stressed, sweets and chocolate makes me feel better when I am stressed. I can always start again tomorrow with eating when I am hungry.
Consequence: I don't eat intuitively, I feel bad about eating lollies, AS WELL AS STILL FEELING STRESSED! Tomorrow never comes. I have to start today.
Dispute: Eating sweets does not help the stress, it actually makes things worse, as I always feel guilty afterwards. It doesn't help me to lose weight, it is bad for my teeth, and it could lead me to diabetes!
Effective new beliefs: I can handle stress. Everyone gets stress, and it won't kill me. The things I stress about are pretty small in the scheme of things. I am an intelligent woman, I understand that stuffing my face with lollies doesn't make the stress go away. Stress is OK. It shows me that I am alive and living! Think - what is the worst that can happen and realise that it is unlikely!
Feelings: I can handle stress, and I will look for alternatives to feeding my emotional hunger, including:
- a brisk walk
- reading a magazine in a shop
- window shopping
- writing a letter
- deep breathing
- gum (if I have mouth hunger)

Day 91: Running in the rain

I went for a run in the rain this morning, and it was actually quite fun. I hadn't gone on Monday because my little boy wasn't well, so I felt I really should get out there despite the weather.

Didn't eat too intuitively today. Meals were ok, but as usual snacks were excessive and not what I was needing.

Day 90: Hospital pass

I have been given a hospital pass job at work, not fun, and it has caused me a bit of stress. I need to keep telling myself that trying to subdue the stress with chocolate or sweets is not going to help. I might feel better for about 5 seconds but then I will feel worse.

Didn't get to go for my run yesterday, because my little boy was a bit sick. Hopefully will get to go in the morning.

Goal for tomorrow: eat consciously- tolerate stress

Day 88: Yesterday and Today

I didn't post yesterday, as I had an all out eating frenzy...

Today has been a little better (my stomach isn't stuffed full, although I haven't really eaten intuitively today.

I have to apologise to Jenn my accountability partner, as I haven't been very accountable lately!

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, and I'm not going to continue this weekend's binge any more because of that.

My aim for tomorrow is to feel hunger twice!

Day 86

Fallen off the wagon... feel lousy.

Time for bed.

Day 84: Rollercoaster ride

After doing so well yesterday, today felt like a bit of a "down". I didn't eat intuitively, and I snacked a lot.

Day 83: Resisting temptation

I had some great positives today! I went for a run this morning, and although my legs still felt like lead for the first 5 mins or so, I lasted ok.

I had a full-on day atwork, working on another project, and we also went out to lunch because one of the girls is getting married. I had yummy lunch, and ate more than I should have because it was soooo yummmy.

I felt like a chocolate bar in the afternoon, but I had some sugarfree gum instead.

This evening I stopped part way through my dinner because I had eaten enough (yay!), and although I knew there were chocolate biscuits in the fridge I had a hot chocolate instead which filled me up and gave me that chocolate fix. Hubby even directly offered me the chocolate biscuits later and I turned them down!!!

Day 82: Meals OK, Snacks Astray

The title says it all - my meals have been right on target, but my snacking is a constant source of excessiveness!

Today, while on my lunchtime walk, I stopped in at the store to get some gum, but I saw a mars bar pack, and bought that as well! I thought I don't have to eat it... but by the time I got back to work it was gone.

Then this evening I was rummaging around looking for something sweet (the copious amounts of fruit didn't tempt me). If we'd had milk I would have made a hot chocolate, but we were low, so instead I kept on rummaging....

At least I have started packing now!!! :-)

Day 81: The reasons I don't bake

Felt ok about my progress today, although looking back over my food diary it doesn't look so great. I felt like I ate consciously today, up until I baked in the evening, and ate 3 cookies while sitting in front of a movie....

Went for another run this morning and it was still hard work, although not quite as bad as yesterday.

Seems like blogger is doing some funny things with my posts - I could see day 80 just before, and now it is gone.. .that's not good.. .might need to look at an alternative.

Day 77: Excuses excuses

Really busy at work and stressful at the moment, but I have got to THINK, and not go into my habit-of-a-lifetime and turn to food when stressed. Right now my tummy feels full and I feel yuck, as I haven't treated it well today.

Achy shoulder still, got to keep off this keyboard for a while...